I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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