I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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