2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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