my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
