I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You made out with two different species that night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
