It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize