I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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