She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
