listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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