I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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