Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
jump out the window naked night went bad
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