96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
