i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
