apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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