Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
