this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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