dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
God, I missed his penis.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
