I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize