If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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