I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize