I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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