Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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