my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize