and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize