i just had sex bonerless
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
God I need to hump something, right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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