I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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