When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
