John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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