I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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