So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
