I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
