If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
