I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
