Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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