I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
