Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
