People with herpes should wear stickers.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
