I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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