She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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