o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
