Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
