i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Randomize
