Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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