: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
