...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Randomize
