i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
