Your tits are I can't wait for
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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