We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
