College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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