My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
