Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
