I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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