So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
