my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Non-Jews are for practice
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
