I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
