I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize