I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
