I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
