Pappa wants mamma naked
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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