I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
