As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
