Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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