So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
