Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
