yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
