Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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