He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
