Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
