I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
