If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
