dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
