i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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