this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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