You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
