So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think your dad took our porno
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
