So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
