A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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